The Strange Adventures of Erica Cartman
by SuperFlandreBros
Summary: A mysterious voice, A tired Cartman, and genderbending? Well, South Park has seen crazier. But still! Hilarity ensues as the most of population of South Park becomes flipped, in more ways than one. Add in a class trip that doesn't suck? Stuff just got real. Contains swearing, innuendoes, and South Park-y things! Read in Cartman's POV.
1. New Equipment

"So, I have a question..." A mysterious voice whispers in the night.

"Nnngh..." I grunted. "Is it how annoying you are?"

"Ooh. We have a feisty one, here!" It quipped. "The question in question? What would you like to do to the residents of South Park?"

"Lots of things." I replied. "Go to Phun Land, a buffet, killing them. Normal stuff."

"O...kay, kid. Just so you know, this will affect you, too."

"Sweet! So that means I can make my own gravy park! But then Kahl will enjoy it, too! Ahh! I wanna make him suffer! But _I_ don't wanna suffer!"

"Can I make a suggestion?"

"Hey! I'm the one calling the shots here! And _I _say that all the non-adults should be genderbent!"

_Wow, this kid is actually kinda...not that evil. _"Are you sure? I'll write everything you and I said."

"So, I'm gonna forget everything here? That's bullcrap!"

"Now, go to sleep. And when you wake up, let's just say that you'll wake up with some new equipment tomorrow morning..."

Just like that, it disappeared. I went back to bed, waiting to see the look on Kahl's Jew face. He's really ugly, why not make it worse?

* * *

_**Beep! Beep! Beep!**_

_Mrrrgh... that alarm is the bane of my existence. It's purpose in life is to wake me up from beautiful dreams. _That was my first thought of the day, complaining about the alarm clock. Although the snooze button is a magical thing. _Wizard powers, turn this damn thing off! _

It worked. Sweet.

"Eric? Sweetie? It's time to go to school, dear!" Mom gently reminded. "We're having donut pancakes with bacon syrup!"

"But, maahm!" I shot back. I hated it when she called me sweetie! Wait a minute...my handsome voice! It changed into a really shrill one. Lame!

"Whatever you want, Eric. Just make sure to come down before your food gets cold!"

"...Yeah," I replied, masking over my new voice. Is this puberty or something? Because it SUCKS!

Dragging myself out of bed, I felt a breeze between my legs and a gap in my briefs. Not very noticeable, though.

_Maybe I had shrinkage or something. _I mused to myself. _Size doesn't matter, technique does. _

Trudging myself to the bathroom reassured, I made the water run when brushing my teeth; many hippies were pissed off today. Good, let the rage fill them!

I felt a brush on the back of my neck. My hair grew really fast. Like, to my chin! And thick, too. Whatever.

Okay, this gap is really annoying! I have to pee, too! I pulled the waist of my pants out. My dick disappeared and was replaced with a-

"Meow," The cat appeared.

-Pussy. I giggled for a moment. But it soon passed when I realized I needed to check the rest of myself, too!

I gained weight in my boobs. I squeezed them to check: that felt nice. My waist changed shape, too. _Slightly_ thinner, my hips widened_._ Most of my features remained the same. My adorably chubby face, my cute legs. I was still the big-boned _boy _everyone knew and hated! I am **not** a chick! I'm NOT! Although I managed to look even _more_ cute than before. How is that even possible!? _This is still a dream. _I think to myself as I get out my bra from the Sarcastaball incident and put it on; it actually fits this time.

"Eric, sweetie? Are you almost done?" Mom chided again. "Is everything okay?"

"Y-yeah, mahm. Fine." I murmured, keeping my voice as leveled as possible.

"Okay, then." She left muttering: "Eric must be having some 'alone time'. My little boy is becoming a man!"

Gross, mahm. It was then that I noticed a piece of paper. I grabbed it and read it immediately.

_It's a lie! I didn't agree to this! How come I don't remember this! I'll just take this along with me, just in case._

I had to adjust my clothes somehow. Sneak into mom's room to get her underwear or...oh, God; I have no other choice, do I? I got out my final weapon: The Gaybox. This is a box where I store and do seemingly "gay" things like sewing, tailoring, cooking, dolls, etc. I guess the right term is "girly", but I'm a dude, so it's gay. I _used_ to be one, anyway.

I analyzed myself and I have to say, I look pretty good as a girl, and _way_ better than Honey-Boo-Boo! Maybe this won't be so bad. I still had my red coat covering me, plus a cute skirt!

"I'm ready, mahm!" I said.

"Okay, sweetie!" Mom replied.

Treading lightly downstairs, I made sure to enjoy every moment of Kahl's Jew face as I went to the bus stop. And this breakfast, too.

I didn't hate being called sweetie as much.


	2. A Class Trip

Making my way over to the bus stop, I noticed that the "girls" were now boys. They seemed to accept that fact rather quickly, seeing as one of them started peeing in the bushes standing up. It'll get old eventually.

I saw the other three at the stop as usual. All of them were changed for my amusement, although I was affected, too.

"Dude, there's Cartman!" Stan exclaimed. "He's a girl, too!"

Kenny looked like he (she?) was about to pass out from a giggle fit.

"Shut up!" I yelled back. "I look cute!"

Stan looked different, she had sharp deep blue eyes and had stick straight hair down to her upper back. Probably a physical manifestation of him denying that he's gay. Her tits were average, 32B cup, I think. That was my size before I turned into a chick. Her body was rather uninteresting, her face was also boring. The best part was her legs, they were very shapely. Too bad that they were covered by those baggy jeans of his.

Kenny was an interesting case. What hair that was peeping out was still a dirty blond, representing how poor he really is. I couldn't make out much from his face, but his eyes were a baby blue. Her body was mostly hidden by her ugly orange parka, but her reaction told all.

"(My tits are glorious! Why didn't this happen earlier?)" He muffled, proceeding to squeeze them for longer than necessary. "(This is so awesome! They're soft and round!)"

"But they're not even that big of a deal." Stan deadpanned.

"(Who cares! They're my own personal boobs!)" He said candidly.

This was getting annoying, I had to step in with my awesomeness!

"Hey! The lez party's over!" I said. "We all know that we're chicks now!"

It was then that Kahl decided to step in. Her jew-fro hair was braided into two like a little girl. She was tall and thin and wasn't much to speak of from the waist-up except for his (her?) eyes, they were as green as jealousy! They bore Kahl's Jewish instinct perfectly. I guess I should give her credit for some nice hips and (to quote Bebe) a nice ass. But her legs were still toothpicks. She was so frail-looking, even worse than Butters! I wonder what Butters looks like now.

"Hey, fatass! You're a chick, too?" He asked. "You don't look much different."

"You are such a genius, Jew; you know that?" I snapped, a bit upset.

"I'm not happy about this either, Cartman!" He yelled.

"Who said I was sad about it, Kahl-ee?" I said, coming up with a genius plan. "I have a great idea!"

"Oh, here we go." Kahl complained. Typical Jew reaction, they don't like change.

"Today's the Field Trip Day. So, what we'll do is-!" I pulled out a chart.

"No." Stan interrupted me. "We are _not_ getting involved in one of your schemes again!"

"We're going to the beach since Token's family was nice enough to sponsor us, we haven't had a trip like that in _ages! _You are _not_ ruining it again!" Said the Jew rat.

"(Yeah!)" Kenny said.

"Well, fine! You all became pussies ever since you got them!" I shot back, patting myself for the clever joke.

"And you're still a dick as always, Cartman." Kahl replied curtly. "This discussion is over."

Just like that, the bus came to pick us all up.

_You might have won this time, but mark my words: you will all join me!_

* * *

"Okay, children; today's the day of the field trip!" Mr. Garrison said excitedly. "Thanks to Token's family (Stupid rich people!), we get to go to a field trip that doesn't suck."

"A-ah, thanks." Token said sheepishly. "It's for a protest, though. So don't get too excited."

Token was also another interesting case, (s)he owned her curvy figure and had dark-brown curly hair that was tied in a ponytail. He was proportionally **_almost_** model-like. It was such a shame that his skin color was off. He wore the same shirt, but had a blue denim skirt.

"Now, I understand that everyone had a sudden sex-change overnight. But we can't do anything about it, so you'll just have to deal with it." Mr. Garrison.

"Mr. Garrison? Why did none of the adults change their sex?" Wendy asked. She was now a dude, though she still retained most of her girly features with messy bangs, and hair that was jaw-length and a purple jacket and a pink beret that made her look metro. Her pants were a dull yellow with a sweet-looking belt. Her eyes were Token brown.

"I don't know, Wendy. Why don't you just follow my instructions and DEAL WITH IT!" He snapped.

Most of the class cowered. I didn't really see him as much of a threat. He's not that smart, I don't even know why or how he even became a teacher. Then again, most of the adults weren't that smart to begin with.

"Hey, can we cut the bullcrap and get on the bus already?" I shouted.

"Eric! I have to explain the _rules _first so no one gets the wrong idea." He stated. "Plus, I'm legally obligated to or else I'll get sued. So you just sit there and wait patiently, _Erica_." He said that last word as if it was poisonous.

Although the new name change wouldn't be so bad, I tested it out: Erica. Not bad at all.


	3. The Buddy System

"Okay, children." Mr. Garrison said. "Here's how this is going to work."

He walked up to us collecting our permission slips; this is about the time where I lost all interest in anything he had to say. So I scanned the room looking at the new bodies of my classmates.

"We're going to do a buddy system like last time, but with a little bit more freedom."

Clyde raised his (her?) hand. Her hair was about shoulder-length and messy. Body-wise, she was a bit chubby, but not big-boned like me. She had nice boobs, though her shirt was baggy, so I couldn't make much out. Her eyes were light-brown and very bright.

"Freedom? Like what, exactly?"

"Well, for instance, there will be several free periods during this trip." He explained. "Where you can do whatever you want with or without a buddy doing periodic regrouping to make sure you're safe."

I diverted my attention to Bebe. Her transition was even more metro than _Wendy's! _Her eyes were a striking emerald like Kahl's, but more innocent and less Jewish. Her shoulders were a bit more broad and her boobs disappeared. Her curly blond hair looked like a chin-length mop. Males aren't that exciting.

Before I had time to analyze the rest of the class, Mr. Garrison ushered us out. That was quick. It doesn't matter, I already formulated the last bits of my plan.

* * *

I got on the bus to the airport, Butters was following me. He had the nerve to plop himself right next to me, I got pissed off.

"H-hey, Erica." He mumbled.

I settled it the way girls normally do, I gave him a long glare and a pout. While doing this, I had noticed two things: one, (s)he looks dead similar to Marjorine minus the green bows; two, she has really short hair, almost like a butch!

I looked around for the girls, some of them were whispering something. Part one of my plan commenced.

"Why the long face?" He asked naively.

"The 'girls' are staring at me and making comments! Probably because of my new body, I feel so violated!" I started to 'sob'.

Butters' baby face started to soften. Perfect.

"D-don't worry, I'll tell those meanies off for you! It's been hard for me, too. They've been calling me flat for real," he was flustered. It was sickeningly adorable; I wanted to vomit.

"It's fine, I can handle it like the strong independent woman that I am."

"But you were cowardly as a boy already, you sure wouldn't be brave as a girl."

"I was being cautious, not cowardly! There's a difference."

"Oh, no wonder you were trying to call off the fight between Wendy and you!"

"Y-yeah...that's it..."

"We're at the airport!" Butters interjected, pointing in its general direction. "We're going to a beach!"

I looked back at the girls, they were still talking, I just had to hope that they were talking about me.

* * *

"Now we all have to do a head count." Mr. Garrison said.

The class, including me groaned in unison.

"Legal reasons, remember?"

"Oh," everyone responded. I stayed quiet.

"The buddy system will have one boy and one girl."

"Wendell Testaburger, you will be paired with Erica Cartman." He directed.

"What!?" Wendy didn't take kindly to this, neither did Stan.

"Why are you separating us!?" Stan was very visibly upset.

"Because I can." Mr. Garrison said candidly.

Both Stan and Wendy sighed.

I grinned. Everything was falling perfectly into place.

* * *

**A/N: sorry for the hiatus, I was gone for the weekend. What is Erica's dastardly plan? Why is Mr. Garrison such a jerk? Where does everyone else fit in? Why can't I stop asking questions!? Find out next chapter...maybe.**


	4. Plane Sleepers

"Hey, hey Wendy." I said, poking her cheek. "You're a man so you can't do anything about this."

Her face was contorted with anger at that undeniable truth.

We were on the plane now, and I was up close and personal with Wendy. That alone would be a fun time.

"Now you can't be a feminist because you're a dude!"

"Men can be feminists..." She replied quietly, looking too tired to argue. "I'm going to sleep now."

Just like that, she was out cold. I decided to hit the hay, too. Only pretending to, of course. Not like I was _actually_ gonna miss a sleep-talker in action.

Wait a minute, she isn't talking. This is lame! I guess I'll sleep for real, then...

* * *

When I woke up, Wendy was still dead asleep. Bleary-eyed, I felt several sensations. I looked at Wendy, and her hands were all over me! I know puking is Stan's thing, but seriously, I wanted to do it too! Let's start by listing all the places she's touching me. Her head was on my shoulder; her right arm was draped over my shoulder. The _left_ hand, however, was a different case. It was squeezing my right boob; that good feeling washed over me again. What is it with boobs and feeling good when squeezed? As if to answer my question, she squeezed harder... I moaned lightly with pleasure.

Wendy started to speak. This should be good.

"Oh, Cartman... you're so cute when you moan..." Wendy was grinning slightly.

I decided to talk to her, it was then that I noticed her getting a boner. I started to giggle, yes, like a girl.

Wendy woke up, and I pretended to go back to sleep, keeping my eyes open just slightly. She was looking at me with slightly hungry eyes; I'm am _so _hot! She then looked at herself, realizing her very compromising hand placements; this was my cue to 'get up'.

"Nnngh...why do I feel something warm on my body?" I said, feigning fatigue. "Wendy, why is your hand...?"

She immediately swiped her hands away from me, face painted red with embarrassment. "I, uh, I... I have to use the bathroom!"

She hastily got out of her seat, Bebe followed her; they are still _girls_ after all, with their private talks and everything. I took this as an opportunity to listen to the crypticness of girls through a bathroom door.

"Bebe, these feelings are resurfacing again." Wendy said. "They're much more obvious this time!"

"What feelings, Wendy?" Bebe asked. "You can't be talking about..."

A long pause between the next sentence.

"No way...it's happening again, I can't talk to you."

"Bebe, please! I have no one else to turn to!"

This was _way_ more entertaining than the stupid clouds, that's for sure. Why do I find gossip entertaining now!?

"Dude, what are you doing?" Stan appeared out of thin air.

_Goddammit, Stan! _I thought.

"N-nothing, just waiting for the 'girls' to get out of the bathroom."

This set off a commotion in the stall.

"They're onto us!" Bebe said

"Bebe! Get out of here, we'll talk later!" Wendy said back.

They busted out of the door immediately, looking very flustered.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a dump." I proclaimed. "At least _that'll _ be easy enough to figure out."

"O...kay then?" Stan proceeded to get as far away from me as possible.

Locking myself in the bathroom, I finally had the chance to think about what the 'girls' were saying. For instance, what did Wendy mean 'again'? It's happened before? Who does she like? Isn't she with Stan? I have to tell him! Unless...no. She wants to kiss me again!? This just put a wrench in my plans...

* * *

**A/N: Hello, everyone! There's a callback to a few SP episodes (Heck, the title _itself_ is a callback!) in this fic, forgot to mention that. This one's callback is "Chef Goes Nanners". Please watch it for why there's implied shipping. Thanks! Also, my update schedule is a little wonky lately, so apologies for that as well!**


	5. Return of the Gaybox

As I was gathering my thoughts, someone was pounding the door.

"AY! I'm trying to take a dump in this new body, asshole!" I yelled through the door.

"Cartman, what's taking so long?" It was the Jew. "Other people need to use the bathroom, too!"

"Hey ginger slut! This crap is for you!"

"Shut up, fatass!"

I decided that with my new feminine wiles, I would use a new tactic. It works a lot for fat girls.

"Stop fat-shaming! You're just jealous of my curves, you twig!" I said, patting myself yet again for the stunning performance. "Get a life, hater!"

"He's right, Kyle." I heard Bebe. "You shouldn't be so prejudiced against different body types."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Kahl said dumbfounded, "He insulted me, too! He called me a twig and told me to get a life!"

"_What_ is going on here?" It's Mr. Garrison! "Why are you crowding the bathroom."

"Eric(a)'s in there and she won't come out!" Bebe said. "I don't blame her, she has to deal with fat shaming and low self-esteem."

That was my cue to start 'crying'.

"Kahl was being mean to me when he wanted to use the bathroom!"

"Erica, I know you're not just taking a dump," Mr. Garrison accused, "so get out of there!"

"I am too!" I pulled out a bottle of concentrated stink from my pocket. "I'm just not done!"

"You have three minutes!" Mr. Garrison said angrily. "That's all."

"Yes, Mr. **Gay**rrison. I understand." I replied with mock politeness, spraying the room with stink.

"Grr! One of these days, Erica!" He sounded pissed. My job was complete, both of them.

"And you can all suck my tits, because I am done!" I said as I threw open the door, stink wafting in the air.

"Jesus, Erica! What did you eat for breakfast!?" Kahl was covering her nose and adjusting her pants at the same time. I'll have to take a note on how to exploit it. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"Now if you'll excuse me, everyone, I'll head back to my seat now." I walked down the aisle in a dramatic fashion just to hammer home that point.

* * *

I looked out the window thinking about Kahl's loose pants. After analyzing it in my head several times, I finally got a side idea.

"Hey Wendy," I started.

"What?" Wendy prickly said. "Why do you smell so bad?"

"That's not important now. I need something out of my suitcase, it's a bit embarrassing so do you promise not to laugh?"

"On one condition."

Oh, great. Compromises. Just like her hand positions earlier...I snapped out of my train of thought and looked up and nodded.

"You _do not _tell Stan what happened earlier."

"I promise." Little did she know, I had my fingers crossed. _This was so perfect! _I thought as I was getting out my suitcase, opening it to find my trusty Gaybox.

Wendy gave me a look that said: _What am I supposed to laugh at. __  
_

"Don't look at me like that!" I said defensively. "It's just a hobby."

"I never said anything..."

Maybe I could get her involved somehow...

"Have you noticed Kahl's pants, they're sagging now."

"You know, I _did_ notice something off about her outfit."

"This box right here is a sacred artifact, it can make and alter fabric, produce nourishment, and release the imagination."

"You mean sewing, tailoring, having girly chocolates, and dolls?"

"Anyway, before you _interrupted _me, I was thinking about making swimsuits and making better-fitting clothes for the boys and girls."

"So, will we get profit?"

"Why are _you _so interested in making money all of a sudden."

"N-nothing, no reason." Wendy flinched. "It's just an innocuous question."

"Oh, okay. I see..." I said, unconvinced. "Whatever you say!"

After an obligatory montage of planning, everything was laid out.

"Does this plan sparkle with you?" I asked, shocked at the words that came out of my mouth.

"What?" Wendy was also sharing my feelings. "...Uhh...sunshine?"

"Thanks, Wendy." I smiled slightly. "Let's get started on these clothes, then!"

"Yeah, let's do that..." Wendy looked away. "You tailor the swimsuits and I do the skirts and outfits. Let's ask everyone to give us their clothes."

"No way, you do it! I'll look like a lesbian if I do that!"

Wendy sighed.

"I'll do it, then!" (S)he said with exasperation. "I'll move out, you work with what fabrics you have!"

As she was walking out, I called out. "Wendy?"

"What?"

"Thanks for taking one for the gay team!"

"Shut up!" Wendy's cheeks flushed red with anger. She then left me deserted at my seat, letting me biding my time.

* * *

**A/N: Don't worry, the plot will advance...eventually. I'm trying my hardest not to do too much shipping, I don't know if it's working. I promise that this won't run for 100 chapters; I know this because I don't have the motivation! XD**


	6. Finally Here!

By the time the plane landed, everyone was relieved to be back on the ground again. As everyone stretched their legs and arms, Mr. Garrison announced.

"Class, we are on a private island now, so there are no tourists besides us. Isn't that right, Token?"

He stood up, looking sheepish. "Uh, I never said it was private. My parents aren't _that _rich. This is actually a known place."

"Well, that's fine, Token. We can just go sightseeing in that case, or check out the history of this ancient land or-."

"-SWIMMING!" Timmy exclaimed, he didn't say his own name for once.

At this, everyone ran towards the shore in a frenzied stampede.

"W-w-wow Tim-Tim, a new word. I'm proud of you!" Jimmy said. Her legs were a still a crippled mess, her hair was messy, curly and short; but not Jewfro curly. It was subtle, soft-looking. His eyes were are dark brown. She still had those braces and crutches. Her body was kinda skinny, but not as frail as Kahl's. It was more toned, refined. Her arms and stomach especially. Not that I was jealous of the cripple or anything, I was just making an simple observation. Her legs still suck, though.

"Timmy," he left Jimmy behind, scowling. His hair was actually kind of long and flowing in the breeze of his wheelchair. His eyes were also a hazel color. Timmy's body was also thin. I couldn't make much else out, nor did I care anymore.

"You guys, you do realize that you can't go swimming without swimsuits right? Unless you're a minority."

Token glared at me.

"That wears a shirt over their suit." I finished hastily. I have to get on his good side, otherwise it'd be like World War Zimmerman again. It worked!

"W-w-what is it, Eric?"

"Hey, fatass!" It was Kahl! She was carrying a piece of paper, looking really angry. "What the hell is this!?"

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"You know what I mean!" He yelled as he shoved the paper into my face.

"Hey, watch the face, kike!"

"Screw you, fatso!"

"I ain't fat, thinny bitch!"

"Thinny? What kind of word is that?"

"It's a combination of the words 'skinny' and 'thin', Jew."

"You mean a portmanteau?"

"Uh, no, I mean combination, Kahl!"

"We'll l-leave if you don't need us," Jimmy butted in. "Come on, Tim-Tim."

"Timmy." He was still scowling.

"No, I'm not done with you!" I snapped. They stopped their tracks.

"Cartman's the one that-!" Kahl was cut off by my hand over his mouth.

"Hahaha! You sound like Kenny! You guys can leave now." I said, panicking.

Jimmy squinted at me with judging eyes, then headed towards the shore with angry Timmy in tow.

"Look what you made me do, Kahl! You drove away potential customers!"

"Customers?" Kahl sighed, "What are you selling this time, fatass."

"It's called being curvy, and I was just simply selling swimsuits and clothes tailored to our brand new bodies!"

"That's exactly why we need to talk! You we're the one that made everyone get a sex change, it was your-!" I silenced him with my hand again.

"You better not tell anyone else, Kahl. You'll get in big trouble if you do. I'm going to let go, and if you scream, you're not getting any new clothes or swimsuits; rendering this entire trip pointless for you while the rest of us have fun. Without. You." I explained carefully, though that might have not been such a bad deal. For me, anyway.

Kahl tensed, then relaxed. I let go of his mouth.

"Your hand tastes like Cheesy Poofs and sweat."

"Good boy, now if you'll excuse me, I have to meet Wendell." I ran off, kicking sand in Kahl's eye. Sweet.

* * *

I was finally alone. My cover was blown by Kahl, I can't believe that I didn't notice! I kicked myself mentally. All I have to do is set the rest of my plan into action. Even if that means getting _very_ close to Wendy.


	7. You Won't Lay a Hand on Her!

"H-hey Wendell!" I chased after him, breathless. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, Cartman! Did you make the swimsuits?" He asked. " I managed to get a few customers!"

"Yeah..." I giggled nervously. "I just have to finish the swim trunks."

"What are you thinking about, Erica?"

It was that name, it made me shiver.

"N-nothing." I said. "Bitch."

"I'm not stupid, Erica. Tell me the truth."

I told the truth; my version, anyway.

"I was thinking if we would ever become our original selves again." I said. "I miss my dick..."

"Very eloquent, but yeah, I see your point." He gripped my hands. "We just have to push through!"

It's working! Being a girl does have it's perks, I must say.

"Let's set up our stand, does it sparkle?"

"Sunshine," He was embarrassed. "Let's not use that, okay? Where did you learn that anyway?"

"From sources." I said. "Like I'd tell you, hoe!

"If you're trying to make me angry, it's not working... let's just go back, okay?"

"...Sunshine!" I smirked, running away.

"OH FOR FU-!" I couldn't hear him anymore. I am _too_ good!

* * *

"Hey, Stan." I said casually. "Hey, _Kahlee."_

"What is it, Cartman?" Stan said. "If it's one of your schemes again, I'm out."

"Well, I guess you won't get any swimsuits or new clothes!"

"Swimwear? Kyle, what is he talking about?"

"Fatass over here was selling swimsuits..." Kahl explained.

"...That?"

"That _she _made so_ 'graciously' _for us."

"Good. I'm glad you understand me with your tiny Jew brain."

"I know you're up to something, Cartman!"

"Well, I _am_ making some money off of my own wholesome ideas!"

"Cartman, since when has 'wholesome' ever described your schemes?" Stan asked.

This was going nowhere. I might as well drop the ball right now. Hee hee, ball.

"I'm going to get Wendy arrested." I claimed.

"How are you _possibly_ gonna make that happen?" Kahl said.

"Well, I saw something on the news that said a man got arrested for getting raped by a woman,"

"Since when do you watch the news!?"

"I was flipping channels for Terence and Phillip."

"Cartman, don't tell me you're actually gonna do it." Kahl was getting on my nerves now.

"Of course not, I'll just claim that _he_ did if worse comes to worse!" Eric said. "Society doesn't want to seem sexist so they are always on the woman's side if it is a man versus woman case!"

"What kind of logic is that!?" Stan asked, exasperated. Desperately trying to stop me.

"Male tears logic! Also known as Feminism!"

"Well, certain things never change, like you being a massive idiot." Kahl muttered under her breath.

"It's true though!"

"You won't lay a hand on my girl...boy, whatever! You won't touch Wendy!"

"Like I'd actually just get close to Wendy just for the sake of getting close to her, _Stacy._ She's a dirty hoe."

"Y-you BITCH!" Stan punched me in the face. An eerie silence enveloped between the three of us.

"WAAHHHH! You MEANIE! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO A SWEET LITTLE GIRL!?" I said, bursting into tears.

"Don't try to cop out of this, fatass!" Kahl glared at me with her greedy Jew eyes. "You're faking it!"

"N-no I'm not!" I screamed. "You should just kill yourself!"

"You have snot running down your face, by the way." Stan pointed out. "It's actually kinda fitting."

"You're all assholes!" I said, running away again.

I can't believe they would just hit me like that, after everything I've been through with them! Why was I ever friends with them!?

I heard this while running away:

"You bet he's gonna forget about this in about two minutes?" Kahl said.

"Probably... nah, definitely," Stan replied.

I hate you all, dammit!

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**A/N: I was on hiatus, sorry. It's nearing the end of August, school is gonna start soon. Ugh! That means slightly less Fanficing for me! I really hope to finish this story before 2015, though. GOAL TIME! Also, your reviews are all read and they really do help! I love dialogue-based chapters! I hope I kept everyone in character! SFB, signing off!**


	8. Let's Get Our Bodies Back!

It was a normal day...oh, wait. Not really, I was lying. It was normal in the relative terms, but otherwise, it wasn't. I wouldn't want to wind up in some 'magical thread of fate', that's for pussies and the goth kids. Now the one thing I have to do (above the whole 'raep time' plan) is bring my body back to normal. I need to find out who that mystery man is, then everyone will love me! 'CARTMAN! CARTMAN!' they'll cheer; and I'll be all like, 'Ah, it was nothing!'. The whole town will love me, even if for an instant. Then I can finally end this lovey-dovey bull!

"Hey Cartman!"

Speak of the angel...or devil. Your choice.

"Hey, bitch." I said back.

"Loving as ever, I see." (s)he frowned, "I got the male swimsuits finished, just thought you would like to know."

"Oh, okay..." I was shaking. "Wendell, I don't remember much of the thing I'm gonna tell you, but I think that you should know it anyway."

"What is it?" (s)he tilted his(her) head in confusion.

"Well, I have an idea how we switched gingers."

"Gingers...? Ohh, you mean _gender. _I think you mean _sex._"

"Why would I wan't to have sex with _you?_ I don't even know how vajayjays work!"

"I'm not even going to explain, just tell me what you know."

"Well, before your lewd and uncalled for comment, there was this mystery man who did it. But I'm not sure who it is. I want you to help me find him."

"Wow, Cartman. I'm not sure if I believe you, but I might as well start somewhere."

I looked at the stunning view of the sunset with a beautiful silence, waves crashing ashore. What a bore. Something cliche's gonna happen in three. Two. One.

"You're the most helpful person about this situation so far! Everyone's been saying that I'm lucky to be male! I hate that attitude. I hate you so much, Eric; more than you'll ever know. But we've been together more than once by fate. Hell, we even kissed in Season Four!"

"You mean a year ago?"

"No, I mean season four. Of the show?"

"...of life? Please stop trying to be poetic, it hurts me."

"Anyway, I think I can stand to be together once more to achieve my goal. But it also happens to involve you, so whatever."

"Hmm...I need to think about this 'together' thing."

"That's fine, just... come back here when you have the answer," as she said that, her voice trailed off. I could barely hear it. "Sorry about that, it sounds stupid."

"No, not at all." I was grinning on the inside! Girls are so easy! I grabbed her hands. "You're not alone in this, Wendy."

Her face reddened.

"I need some time to think here."

"That's my line."

"Sorry," she said sarcastically. Back to her old self.

"Well, I have to say. You switch faster than a bi person." I remarked.

"I'm not bi though. I'm straight."

"Well, you sure are _bipolar _and about as _straight as a circle!_"I burst into laughter at my clever and well-timed punchline. I may have to pat myself on the back later.

What? I had to get in my snark of the day! Worth it.

"Well, Cartman. You sure are..interesting. In a weird way."

"Thanks, I try to be. People say I'm a mixed bag all the time!"

Whatever, old or new Wendy, my plan to have her arrested WILL HAPPEN! I am literally ready for anything that happens! I'll endure this mushy shit for this. Seeing her face behind bars will be worth it. I'm sure of it! It'll be easy...right?

* * *

**A/N: Short chapter, I know. Got school and family issues, so I can't be as productive. Sorry. Hop you enjoyed this fluffy and diabolical chapter! Didn't think successfully combining the two was possible! I still don't think I did it successfully, but whatever.**


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